Here, Socky Socky!
by EvilPoutOfDoom
Summary: The socks of Hogwarts are disappearing…what is Albus Dumbledore to do? He calls sock detective, Lucius Malfoy of course! This is a crack fic and incredibly OOC.


**Disclaimer: picks up potion vial and drinks "I am J K Rowling and I own all of the Harry Potter – what do you mean I have whiskers?" feels face "Damn… I must have got hair from one of J K Rowling's cats. Stupid Polyjuice Potion… Don't worry, I'll erase their memories and give them back when I've finished playing with them. I promise." puts on innocent face**

Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, knocked on the door of the Headmaster's Office, and after hearing no answer, opened the door. It wasn't like Albus not to answer his door; he always seemed to be in his office when somebody needed him.

She had to look around the room twice before she could find Albus. He was sitting in his chair and leaning over his desk with his head in his arms. He looked up as Minerva walked towards him. His eyes were red and puffy and his face was slightly blotchy.

"It…it's horrible, Minerva. He's gone." He reached for a tissue and noisily blew his nose.

"Who's gone, Albus?" Minerva asked hurriedly.

"My poor Flopsy. I put him in the wash with Flipsy and only Flipsy came back. What will I ever do without him?"

Minerva gasped. Flopsy and Flipsy were Albus's favourite pair of socks. They were hot pink with bright yellow bunnies rabbits on the front that hopped around in circles. They were such special socks that he only ever wore them a few times a year, at the feasts and celebrations, so as not to get them too dirty or worn out.

"The same thing has happened to my favourite pair of tartan toe socks. The left one has disappeared. I was hoping you might have some idea of where it went. I can't possibly go to any quidditch matches without wearing my tartan socks to go with my hat. What are we going to do?" Minerva collapsed into one of the armchairs beside the fire and sobbed.

"I'm sure we will find them. We just need to do a bit of detective work. Hmm, I wonder…do you think the ministry would allow us to get Lucius Malfoy out of Azkaban to find our socks? I think he's just the person to solve this problem."

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" echoed down the stairs of the boy's dormitory and into the Gryffindor common room.

"Harry was that you?" Hermione yelled over everyone's shouting. There was no answer. Instead Harry himself came running down the boy's stairs wearing his pyjama pants and his school shirt. He was holding up a single sock. It was bright red and had a picture of a lightning bolt on it. Above the lightning bolt were the words 'Boy-Who-Lived' and underneath it said 'to kick Voldie's arse".

Harry walked over to Hermione and waved the sock in her face. "I'm missing a sock. I need my other sock if I'm going to defeat Voldemort. I can't find it anywhere." he wailed.

Just as Hermione was about to answer, a scream was heard from the girl's dorm. Ginny came running into the common room, also holding a sock…this one was bright green with a lightning bolt. It said "Harry Potter Fan Club". A dozen or so other girls came into the common room holding their socks as well as Collin and Denis Creevy and several first and second year boys.

"My sock is missing. I've looked all around the dorm and I still can't find it." Ginny said tearfully. The others nodded in agreement.

"I have a Fan Club?" Harry screeched "Get me out of here!" He ran out of the common room and towards Dumbledore's Office, although some argued that it was the Astronomy Tower.

The doors of the Great Hall slammed against the wall, startling the students sitting closest to them jumped. Everyone turned to see Professor Snape running down the isle between the Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw tables. He reached the head table and waved something in Professor Dumbledore's face.

The students sitting closest to the head table could make out phrases like 'gone' and 'somebody has stolen'. One first year student swore they had heard him say 'my poor sock' although some students weren't so sue about the likeliness of that.

Albus managed to chuckle softly as he plucked the sock out of Severus's hand. It was black, the only colour that he ever wore, and had a picture of a bat on it with white writing above it that said 'greasy git' and more writing underneath it that said 'and Proud of it'.

Minerva leaned over Albus's shoulder to look at the sock and burst out laughing, prompting Severus to snatch the sock back out of Albus's hand and run back out of the hall.

"I can't play in the next match." Draco told Pansy at lunch.

"Why ever not?" she asked.

"Because one of my lucky socks is missing." Draco sulked, mashing his porridge with his spoon and splashing it all over Crabbe and Goyle, who looked down at themselves, shrugged and continued to eat their breakfast.

"That's horrible! Which one?" Pansy simpered.

"My right one." Draco answered, scooping up some porridge to fling at Crabbe and Goyle. This was one of the best ways to let out his anger.

"I meant what pattern did the sock have on it."

"Oh, it was the green one with the silver writing that said 'Ferret Face'." Draco refilled his spoon ready for his next attack.

Pansy snorted and tried to cover it up by pretending to choke. Millicent, who was sitting next to her, thumbed her on the back, sending her face first into her scrambled eggs. She emerged from the eggs with an almost Weasley-red face covered with pieces of egg.

"Egg." Crabbe grunted while pointing at her.

"On her face." Goyle added with a snort. They both snickered. Draco rolled his eyes at them before throwing his bowl across the table at them. Life really was good when he had lackeys like Crabbe and Goyle…now, if only he could find his sock.

"Wormtail!" a high-pitched voice hissed.

"Yes, m-master?" Wormtail said nervously.

"Wormtail, where is my sock?" Voldemort spat.

"Your sock, master?" Wormtail asked, wringing his hands.

"Yes, my sock. The one that says 'Moldiewart's list of people to kill' and has 'Harry Potter' written all over it. Harry Potter must die, and I have to wear my special socks if I want to kill him. I can only find one of them." Voldemort took out his wand and cast the killing curse on the fly that had been buzzing around his head.

Wormtail flinched. "I-I don't where it is, my Lord. I haven't seen it since it was put into the wash. Maybe you could just find some new socks…maybe ones that say 'Death to Potter' or 'Come to the Dark Side, we have Cookies."

"Hmm, that isn't a bad idea, Wormtail, surprisingly. You do have your uses." Voldemort zapped another fly with the killing curse. "What about 'I am Voldie, hear me roar!'. I think it has a nice ring to it."

"Yes, my Lord, it's perfect!" Wormtail agreed, not wanting to end up like the flies.

Harry was eating his breakfast when Luna Lovegood came over to the Gryffindor table holding a sock. It was a flashing multi-colour metallic sock as seemed to say 'Crumple-Horned Snorkack's Rule'.

"I think the Crumble-Horned Snorkack's liked my sock because they seem to have taken one of them. Do you think I should leave the other one on the top of the North Tower so that they can find the other one easily?" Luna asked dreamily.

Hermione snorted into her book called 'How to be a Know it All in One Hundred Complex Steps'

"Um…I really don't know. Is it really a good idea for them to go past the North Tower?" Harry asked, not wanting to think about Crumple-Horned Snorkack's getting into the castle. Luna walked away as though she hadn't heard him, although, knowing Luna, she probably hadn't.

"You know, it's possible that Crumple-Horned Snorkack's did take all the socks." Ron said thoughtfully.

"Don't tell me you honestly believe that tripe. Crumple-Horned Snorkack's don't exist and if they did they wouldn't be able to get into the castle in the first place. Honestly, haven't you ever read Hogwarts: A History?" Hermione asked in her best know-it-all voice.

"Oh, Tripe! Where!" Ron ran off to the kitchen to see if the House Elves had any Tripe.

Hermione rolled her eyes and went back to her book.

"Why am I here?" Lucius Malfoy asked. He was standing in Dumbledore's Office, having just been brought there from Azkaban. "I would much rather be back in Azkaban, so that I can continue looking for my missing sock."

"You're missing a sock too? I shouldn't be so surprised. Everyone in Hogwarts seems to be missing socks. Even Voldemort is missing one. That is why you were brought here. I want you to solve the mystery of the missing socks." Dumbledore said holding Flipsy to his chest protectively.

"If I can figure out the mystery can I get out of Azkaban?" Lucius asked hopefully. "I want my sock back, too." he said as an afterthought.

"By the way, what did your socks look like?" Dumbledore asked him curiously.

Lucius pulled out a sock from the pocket of his robe. It was black with neon-green writing that said 'Eater of Death Since 1965' and had a cartoon picture of the Dark Mark. Underneath the Dark Mark it said 'Expert in Butt Kissing'

"Bloody hell!" Ron exclaimed as he searched through his drawer.

"What's wrong, Ron?" Harry asked him.

"I can't find my other sock. I've looked everywhere." Harry had to agree with that, as all of Ron's clothes were strewn over the floor and bed, not to mention Harry's, Neville's, Dean's and Seamus's. The room looked like it had recently played host to a cyclone, which, Harry reminded himself, it probably had, as Ron was still tossing endless amounts of underwear around the room. Harry was just about to say something to Ron when a pair of purple boxer shorts with yellow polka dots landed on his face and he promptly ran for the bathroom.

"What on earth is going on in here?" Hermione asked, dodging a pair of violently lime green boxers. She then noticed that the source of the mess was Ron. "Ronald Weasley," she said in a good impersonation of Mrs Weasley "If you don't stop causing destruction this second I'm going to Professor McGonagall to tell her you are demolishing your dormitory."

"I'm looking for my sock, have you seen it?" Ron asked her. He held up his other sock, which was bright orange that said 'Bloody Hell the Cannons Lost…Again'.

"No I haven't seen your sock. I can't believe how careless you people are with your belongings. If you've noticed, I haven't lost any of _my_ socks." Hermione said as she walked out the door.

"Here, socky socky! Come on socky, I know you're here somewhere! Come out, come out, wherever you are!" Lucius called as he walked down the corridors.

"Draco, isn't that your Father?" Pansy asked as Lucius walked past them, still calling out to the socks.

"Um…I would like to say that I didn't know him at all, but the 'Malfoy Code of Conduct' states that I have to acknowledge him. Damn…maybe I can just pretend that I didn't see him." Draco said hopefully as he tried to steer Pansy into a corridor as far away from his Father as possible.

"You could always change your name." Pansy said helpfully "I like 'sock'."

Just then Luna Lovegood walked around the corner. "Are you going to change your name, Draco?" not waiting for an answer Luna continued, "I never really liked the name Malfoy in the first place. What about 'Snorkack', that's a nice name. I think it would suit you."

"Just as well as those Radishes dangling from your ears suit you." Draco muttered, but apparently not quietly enough.

"Why, thank-you, Draco. I didn't know you cared." She smiled at him, and it made her look slightly deranged. "If you don't mind I'm going to go and help your Father find those socks. I'll tell him about your new last name as well."

"Somebody kill me now!" Draco groaned. "Draco Snorkack! Honestly, who does she think she is?

"AAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! SOMEBODY SAVE ME! IT'S HORRIBLE! THEY'RE GOING TO GET ME!" Lucius screamed as he ran through the corridors.

"What happened?" Albus asked him as he passed. Lucius doubled back and stopped in front of him.

"They…they took-socks everywhere-its horrible…they're out to get me." Lucius said, looking as mad as a hatter, which, after all, is what Azkaban will do to anybody.

"Who took the socks, Lucius?" Albus asked slowly, as though he was a small child.

"House Elves…everywhere…get me away from them!" He started to run down the corridors again, although no one really seemed to care, as they were to busy trying to get into the kitchen to find their missing socks.

When they finally got into the kitchen, everyone was shocked to find that there were a dozen baby House Elves along one wall. They were sitting on a pile of socks and each had a sock on each foot and ear. All together they were quite a sight.

Dobby came up to them just then "Headmaster Dumbledore, sir, Dobby is meaning to be telling you, sir, that Dobby and Winky is having little Elves, sir. They is needing to be kept warm, sir, so the other Elves is borrowing socks for them. We is giving them back when little Elves is grown up, sir."

After that stunning speech, everyone decided to let the Elves keep their socks for as long as they needed them, as the little Elves were so cute. And after all, House Elves only took about 3 months to become grown up. They would have their beloved socks back in no time.

Fin


End file.
